'I'VE LOOKED AT CLOUDS FROM BOTH SIDES NOW...'

When Katharine Lee Bates traveled to Pike's Peak she was so moved by its beauty, splendor & grandeur that she penned the words that would eventually become 'America The Beautiful'.

'O beautiful for spacious skies, 
For amber waves of grain, 
For purple mountain majesties 
Above the fruited plain!'


And she had a great point. Everyone who has been fortunate enough to train, drive, motorcycle, horseback or walk this Colorado masterpiece has experienced some advanced form of awe.

Later in the poem she mentions:


'O beautiful for halcyon skies'


Ok, for those not related to Mr. Webster, 'halcyon' means:


'1. Calm and peaceful; tranquil.
2. Prosperous; golden: halcyon years.'

Fine, but one can only imagine what words would have flown from the lady if she experienced Florida February clouds at dusk. 

I mean, there's nothing wrong with 'purple mountain's majesty'...

But look at the way the last light of day bounces off these babies...

... at the end of the day. 

Think of the words they could inspire.

If anybody actually ever saw them.

But, unfortunately, most tourists are too busy with 'early birds' or Roseanne reruns to walk to the beach at the right hour to enjoy them.

So it remains the most impressive/least crowded show that you'll ever see in South FL.

FOR INTERNATIONAL LOVERS/LOTHARIOS

Once when  a prospective Romeo or Juliet found him/herself in a foreign country - & didn't know the native lingo - it usually meant 'ciao' to any chance of 'amore'.


No more.

Those incurable romantics at Apple have a Valentine's Day gift app for all of you international - but language challenged - would be lovers.

And it's absolutely free.

Ok, you do have to spring for an Apple 'I Phone' or 'I Pad' to use it.

But aren't the few Franklins for one of these great gadgets worth hearing the sweet sound - after some post last call 'parlez-vous-ing' - of a 'Je t'aime' or 'Ich liebe dich' from a new found best bar buddy?

For those who said, 'Oui' to the above, the creators of the mucho popular 'TripLingo' app  have a special Feb 14 gift for you - the TL 'Romance Edition'.

Exactly what does it do? The 'TL' peeps say it best:

'(It's) the only app you'll ever need to charm would-be lovers, seduce that special someone, or put yourself on the path to love.'

Wow. And how?

'With flirtatious phrases in ten different languages, you'll be prepared to unleash a torrent of passionate phrases in the language of your choice.'

Hey, all the cash you'll not spend on flowers & heart shaped candy boxes alone could pay for the 'I' phone or pad.

And - to make sure that you don't inadvertently tell your latest foreign love interest that she 'smells like a pair of wet socks' or that you 'want to dibble her grandmother' - this app includes complete audio versions of every love flavored phrase so you can hear exactly how each word is supposed to sound.

To download go to:

http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/triplingo-romance-edition/id498968436?mt=8

And - as the 'masters of amour' French might say - 'Viva la humping!'.

LAS VEGAS 'FREE' SHOW TIX

There are deals and then there are deals. And some deals are only in the mind of the beholder.


Ok, we were in Vegas last week & had a great time. 


But when walking down the famous strip - if we weren't being accosted by the army of short, hooded sweatshirt or baseball cap wearing 'card snappers' promising a  good looking girl in your room within '20 minutes for $40' - we were approached by usually attractive, better dressed, smiling folk who wanted to give us free show tickets, gratis gambling $ or 'on the house trips' to the Hoover Dam & Grand Canyon.


All you have to do is sit through a 90 minute (which becomes 2 hours after you agree) presentation for whatvever it is they're selling. 


'Hmmm,' you may muse. 'What's 2 hours of my time for free ducats (worth over $200) to see the Beatles' 'Love' or Wynn's 'Le Reve' or a couple of 'C' notes for gambling?'


Ok. But before you sign on the dotted line realize that many of these offers may be less than you think - especially if you are not dealing with a name brand company.


I mean reps of places like the Mariott & Wyndam WILL give you free tix (& decent seats) to the Blue Men, Donnie & Marie, Legends, etal as they promised - with no extra charges - once you 'pay' with your time.


The others, well maybe not.


Your 'free' Love/LeReve tickets could suddenly cost you north of 60 bucks each after you sign on the dotted for the 2 hour hard sell. 


Ok, this still might be worth it to you. But it isn't 'free'.


And those 'hundreds of gambling $' are never real money but some type of certificate to be used at a place like Casino Royal (a joint where James Bond or Blofeld would never be seen). Here they have a back row of 'special slot machines' where you can use your 'free' cash chits to play.


But even if you win a million on these machines - you'll walk home without a penny. This 'gambling' is for 'entertainment' only. There are zero cash prizes.


And even if they hand you a card claiming it can get you 2 free tix to a certain show - read the fine print.


For Harrah's 'free' Mac King Show you have to buy a $10 drink plus tax for each admission. Tropicana's 'free' Recycled Percussion Show charges $35 per couple for 'box office fees'. 


There are 2 magic shows that do actually let you in for no charge - but rarely can you get tickets for the same week (or even month) that you'll be in town.


So, in Sin City beware of barkers bearing gifts.


Actually, there is one 'free' you should often use in this desert town. Feel free to say 'No thanks' to most of these offers.

GRAND CANYON IN THE WINTER?

And why not? There's no scorching summer heat. The views are beautiful. 

Crowds are smaller. 

And you can even make a few snowballs.

We visited the South Rim on January 31, 2012 - exactly 106 years  to the day - after the opening of the park's Verkamp's Curio Shop.

And ours was a 'good day' too. With temps in the upper 40s & clear skies, it was a perfect day to stroll the paved pedestrian (& even wheelchair friendly) 3 mile section of the Rim Trail.

Notice the width of the trail.

And mostly everything is open. 

You can still ride the mules down into the canyon everyday (as long as you're over 4' 7" & under 200 lbs - so think 'tall' & lay off the 'all you can eat' buffets & extra coconut custards before you go), ...

... take a helicopter tour, stay at the Phantom Ranch at the bottom of the canyon (where the temp is usually 20 degrees warmer then on top the rim)...

... or book a room in one of the 'top of the rim' hotels.





Published winter prices begin at $85 per night. But if you book one - in person - in the hotel lobby on the day (or days) you're actually staying, the price falls to around $75.

Ok, you could hit some bad weather - just a week before our visit the park was snowed in & no one was able to get in nor out.

But you could do a lot worse than being stuck for a couple of days in a place with views like:

And - since all park employees live on site - they'll be no interruption in service. 

But remember to bring the appropriate clothes, hats, gloves & scarves so you can dress in layers - the weather can change rapidly.

And - even in the winter - you must hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. Drink plenty of water.

And please remember - safety first. 


Every year a score - or more - people take one step too many for a surprise express trip into the canyon. Stay on the well marked paths & always be a few feet back from any ledges.

Unlike Sandy.

SHAKE, RATTLE & ROLL 'I DO'

Sometimes you just feel the need to get married at 3am by the 'King of Rock & Roll'.


If that's the case - and you happen to be on the Vegas Strip between the Stratosphere & downtown Freemont Street - you're in luck.

A Little White Chapel - & Elvis - are available for nuptials 24/7.


And it's the chosen 'I Do' palace of some rich & famous...

... like Michael Jordan & Joan Collins (presumably not to each other).


But what if you just don't have time - or imbibed too much bubbly - to be able to stand for an entire ceremony? Then...

... you can drive through the 'Tunnel of Love' right up to the Little White Wedding Chapel's ...

... drive thru window.


Yes kids, you can get hitched & never leave your Edsel. 


And - starting at $40 for a ceremony - it will set you back a lot less than your last time at the tables.

Of course, high rollers can drop a 'C-note' for the 'Cherub Chariot Package'. This includes the ceremony plus 3 polaroids (did you even know these still existed?), a video, a garter & the unforgettable  'presentation of flowers'.


Now the bells will really be ringing. Yowza! 


But what if 'The King' doesn't get your temperature rising & (like most people) you really had your heart set on - say - a Camelot, Blues Brothers, Dracula, Alice Cooper or Pirate themed wedding?

Well then a take a few steps down the strip to: 

Where you can have all of the above plus 25 more themed weddings - including their own Elvis - for about $700.


But for those purists out there - to whom only 'originals' will do - walk a couple of blocks to:

And join Bon Jovi in refusing to accept a carbon copy.

FREE EATS FOR THE 'OVER 350' CROWD

How many restaurants would hire this 575 pound spokesman...

...who died at 29 - possibly from obesity?


Or offer this deal?

It reads 'OVER 350 LBS EATS FREE'

Or post this sign?

Or use the catchy slogan - 'A Taste Worth Dying For'?


Only 1. 

Yes, this is the Downtown Las Vegas eatery where 'patients' order high caloric menu 'prescriptions' from 'nurses' who wrap a complete list of all ordered food on the P's wrist.

The #1 choice is the $12.94 'Quadruple Bypass Burger' - four beef patties, cheese & bacon...

...that totals almost 8,000 calories. 


And you can wash this baby down with the world’s 'highest butterfat content' milkshake (garnished - of course - with a tab of butter) at $4.62.


Still hungry? Well an order of $1.84 flatliners fries - cooked in pure lard - should stuff any unfilled belly space. 


Into a bit lighter fare, a sugar filled soda, a brew or an unfiltered smoke? Then some of these might fill the bill:

And for those with a more cultured palette, they also offer a full selection of - naturally - Fat Bastard wines.

SOUTHWEST 'EVOLVE'S' INTO DOUBLESPEAK

Southwest Airlines is smack in the middle of 'Evolve' a 60 million make over project that will be completed in 2013.


'Evolve' promises to add:


1. Lighter, low-profile seats that use the frame of previous seats. 


2. Seats covered by a fabric more durable than traditional leather.


3. More under-seat space for carry-on luggage and pet carriers.


4. Reduced seat recline from three inches to two inches - which Southwest says - “preserves onboard personal living space while still allowing for ample seat adjustment”.


5. Recyclable carpet, installed in squares, which allows for easy, inexpensive replacement.


All done in the spirit of making its fleet more passenger & eco friendly.


Check out their 'Evolve' brag site:


http://www.seegreenville.360citytours.com/spinatours/other/swa_cube_multi/swa_isle1_intro_cube_out_html5.html

Yahoo for us and Mother Nature Right?

Well, they don't tout that these lighter weight seats will save the company about $10 mil in annual fuel costs. Great for them & -with less gas to cause pollution - the environment, too.


But what about passengers? Will that savings translate into lower fares?

Don't hold your breath waiting.

And - in their 'brag' - they forget to mention that they're adding 6 extra seats on every plane. That means up to $250 mil more each year for them & less leg room for you.

Not to mention the 6 extra passengers joining the battle for the 'not increased' carry-on, overhead bin space. 

But - they explain - SW will only use these planes flying 'excess demand' routes like the long haul flights to Vegas.

Ok, maybe gamblers' thinner wallets will give them the illusion of extra seating room on the return trip & won't be noticed.

But perhaps Henry Harteveldt, co-founder of Atmosphere Research Group, says it best. 


'Southwest is actually degrading the customer experience while cloaking it in an environmental message.'


Or maybe they just hired the doublespeak experts leftover from the Bush administration. 


You know, the guys who thought up things like the 'clean water' & 'clean air' initiatives - that create great sound bites - while actually making both dirtier, producing more business $ & being much worse for the general public. 


What do you think?